


Sunshine

by metus_noctis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Sad Dan Howell, Young Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 10:34:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18341921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metus_noctis/pseuds/metus_noctis
Summary: In which Phil is a bright ray of sunshine creeping through Dan's heart's windows.





	Sunshine

If you asked Dan how the roadtrip was, he'd probably say eventful.

That's because, the moment he stepped into the car, he felt another panic attack approach and he begged for it to go away even if he knew for a fact it wouldn't. Why, just why, did they only have to come on the worst possible times? 

It was a fairly sunny day, eyes squinted and skin burning and all that, and that was another reason why Dan was having a great (horrendous) time at the moment.

You see, Dan hated sunlight. It was too bright, blinding his coffee eyes, too vibrant, and brought too much uncomfortable warmth that Dan despised with his whole mind and heart and soul. He was thankful he lived in London for that, since the sun seemed to avoid showing up there like the plague. 

The car started moving with a sound that made Dan cringe coming from the engine, but as Phil had reassured him the night before, as soon as it starts, it won't stop for at least a few hours and the car ride will be over before he can say his name.

But Dan had said it over a thousand times already and they weren't there, and he kept saying it for at least a thousand more, but nothing changed. Damn him, damn him and his perfect face and his strong body and his ocean blue eyes and his raven black fringe and his incredible advice because had Dan just avoided a panic attack just by thinking about Phil?  
How long had he been doing that for? Was the ride over? 

It wasn't, but it would be in a couple of hours and Dan thought that he could do this, he really could. With his music and Phil, he could do anything (mostly Phil though).

He plugged his favorite pair of soundproof black earphones in his phone and clicked a random playlist of alt pop songs to listen to. He was sleepy, having been forced awake by his father who had the brilliant idea to go on a roadtrip that early in the morning, so he thought closing his eyes would heal his tired eyelids and maybe he could fall back asleep too. The sound of Muse's 'supremacy' filled his eardrums. He remembered that time when he and Phil had created a skit based on this song (they'd edited it so well that it almost seemed as if they were actually filming it together), and a small smile found its way to his rosy lips. Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad after all, if he could listen to his favorite band and think about his favorite person during the car ride. The sun was still shining, emitting a warm, pastel glow that sipped through the window he was leaning on. He scrunched his nose; he really hated sunlight.

Come to think of it, Phil could perfectly represent the sun. He was always as bright as sunlight, with a huge smile decorating his pretty lips and an adorable personality, and, well, much to Dan's displeasure, was literally the cause of his very existence. Maybe, just maybe, Dan didn't hate sunlight that much.

His imagination was completely free to think about anything and everything as he allowed his eyes to travel along the tall trees and puddles of water that passed oh-so-quickly before him. At some point, he spotted a mess of tilted branches and dark leaves, and a silent chuckle escaped him. The tree was undoubtedly the tallest of them all, but it wouldn't sit upright so it never did it any justice. Dan thought it represented him.

The next song to come on shuffle was Tyler Joseph's 'save'. He really loved that song, the instrumental was amazing and going just so well with Tyler's golden vocals, and the lyrics always seemed like words he could be able to utter himself. The vibe was definitely different than the last song, bringing a wave of sadness and something that he couldn't quite define through his heart. He didn't notice when, but his eyes had subconsciously darted downwards to look at his phone with a frown, so he brought them up again, turning his sad gaze to the window, marveling at the scenery of blues and purples that appeared in front of him. He was thankful, for the sky had now turned a light, depressed shade of blue, as Dan would like to call it. The purple-ish pastel blue color of the morning sky truly was the sadest hue.

His mind seemed to run wild then, as different scenarios of 'what ifs' and 'maybes' bolted like silver bullets through his mind, piercing his sanity with malicious thoughts. His head felt clouded, fuzzy and blue. A purple-ish pastel blue kind of blue. 

His thoughts led him to a different place, a darker part of his mind seeming to take off and turning his leftover sanity into a deep, supermassive black hole filled with questions and fears and all of his hidden feelings. He thought about how his and the lives of everyone in the world probably don't matter a single bit in an infinite universe, and how no matter what he does, no matter how successful or not people may say he is later in the future, none of this would matter once the representative string of life cuts him out and his fate leads him to an inevitable death. He thinks about the number of souls in this planet that are undoubtedly more important than him and sarcastically chuckles at his misery. He was useless, a failure and an absolute disappointment, and Ed Sheeran's 'give me love' starts playing and he thinks that Phil didn't love him, no, he could never love the disgrace that is himself, because Phil is perfect and he deserves someone as perfect as him even though that's not possible, and he's suddenly diverting his thoughts back towards a small part of his mind shaped into a delicate red heart all dedicated to Philip Lester, and he's fine, he's alright for now, because Phil tells him to take deep breaths and forget about the terrors of his mind and Dan does it and he's okay.

Still, a single tear manages to escape his eye, emitting a tight warmth of pain before rushing out of it and sliding down his rosy cheek. He was quick to wipe it away; he couldn't let Adrian see him like this. The sky seemed to lighten then, the shade of purple mixed with the blue now gone, and a golden white hue settles in instead, and he thinks the sky has managed to perfectly demonstrate his different moods throughout the ride.

A couple of songs in and shuffle decided to betray him; throwing him a wild 'bibia ye ye', and his furrowed eyebrows softened, confused.

What?

Suddenly, Dan was laughing, because what the hell was that, shuffle? The mood was totally ruined, and a single, bright ray of sunshine sipped through the window and scrapped a straight line down his left eye, and it blinded him, but it was fine. 

Because Dan hated sunlight, it was too bright, blinding his coffee eyes, too vibrant, and brought too much uncomfortable warmth that Dan despised with his whole mind and heart and soul, but at that moment, it didn't feel as irritating, and it brought a nice warmth to his cheeks, which honestly could have been from the thought of Phil's bright smile engraved in his head, but either way, he didn't mind as much.

The song was about to end, and Dan noticed that the sky was going back to the previous depressed purple-ish pastel blue and he panicked, because the comforting warmth of the happy song and the sunlight was just too good to last long, and now he had to go back to the sadness of the blue clouds with knitted eyebrows and a frown.

Dan now clearly understood the famous phrase 'nothing good lasts forever', as he found himself lost in what he liked to call another 'existential crisis', except this time he doubts thinking about Phil would get him out of this one.  
He averted his gaze to the blue-ish green of the trees and far mountains outside of the window, and noticed a steep hill just in the side of the car, and the thought of approaching it seems oh-so-appealing, and suddenly he's tasting the bitter flavor of the dump grass as he rolls down from it, except he's not, but his clouded mind and corrupted imagination will have to do for now.

A single raindrop falls on the glass on the front of the car, then a couple more follow, and then a heavy shower occurs as another sad song comes on, and Dan internally swears. Was he generally unlucky or just bloody cursed by life?  
He liked the patterns the rain created on the windowsill, and it always put up a nice atmosphere combined with the blue skies (thing that people called him weird for, just because of liking this kind of weather, props to society), but it was undoubtedly depressesing and even though it worked well on autumn afternoons when Dan needed to vent, right now, he wished for the previous warmth of the sun on his face to come back (he never thought he'd say such thing, ever).

He gets what he wished for, and a tint of deep orange-ish yellow flows down the tanned skin of his face, warm, and oddly comforting, as an image of Phil finds its way in his mind (and heart) once more, and now, he's warm internally as well.  
He can hear his father announcing they're almost there through the thick silence of his headphones (because of the small gap between songs) and his eyes light up, and suddenly he's smiling, and Phil smiles at him too in his mind and he can't wait to call him while hiding in the bathroom, or something like that.

A few minutes after, Dan finds himself situated in a hotel room (they booked two just for that day) which he had to share with his brother (which wasn't so bad, Adrian went out a lot so he'd have the alone time with Phil, even throughout the phone, that he needs). Just as expected, the moment their things are put to the ground, Adrian shouts a quick 'bye' and bolts out of the room.

Dan doesn't waste a single moment to pull his phone out of his back pocket and call Phil. He smiles once listening to Phil's ringtone for when he calls him, 'Toxic' was definitely their song, but his grin grows even wider when Phil finally picks up, exactly 3 rings into the call.

“Danny boy!”, Phil enthusiastically greets.

“Don't call me that, Moe”, Dan retorts and Phil chuckles.

“Don't pretend you don't like it, rat”, a tsk sound is heard and then both of them fall into a pit of laughter.

“How was the ride?”, Phil finally asks, and Dan considers whether he should tell him everything. He resorts in telling him most of it.

“Well, I managed to say your name before we got here”, he jokes and the raven haired boy chuckles once more.

“Sorry, Danny, at least you survived”, Hardly, Dan wants to reply, but he doesn't. Instead he goes with a breathy “yeah” and proceeds telling Phil what happened (or some of it).

“Well I listened to a lot of music”, he said, “Thought 'boutchou quite a lot, too”

Phil smiled at Dan's confession, but realising he can't really see him, he let out an honest “me too” and sighed.

“Won't you be able to come here?”, he sadly asked, already knowing the answer, but still, trying again even if he knows the result is going to be the same.

“I'm sorry, Phil”, Dan begins, and sighs, “I told you they wouldn't let me. They don't know 'bout me and you”

Dan swears he can hear a small “jesus, Dan, it's you and I not me and you” coming from the other line, which he recognizes as an attempt to lighten the mood (didn't work), but soon, Phil sighs, disappointed.

“Alright”, he says, but it's not alright. God, Dan just wishes he could tell his stupid parents that he's in love with a guy, his best friend at that, that lives in Manchester, so close to him, yet so, so far, but he can't. He just closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, patiently (not really) waiting until just a few weeks, when he'll officially be 18 and Phil will finally come visit him and maybe (hopefully) take him to Manchester with him.

“It's only a few months”, Dan says, “We'll make it”, and Phil wants to ask Will we? because a small part inside him still doubts their plans.

“We will”, he reassures, instead, because Dan sounds so sure, so confident that he believes him.

“I missed you, you know”, Phil confesses and Dan's cheeks redden. He's thankful Phil can't see him at this moment.

“Cheesy shit”, he jokes, “We literally talked all night yesterday”

“I know”, Phil pouts, “But that was yesterday night. I've already missed your stupid face” Dan chuckles at that.

“Wow, thanks mate”, he replies, “Go stalk my instagram or something”

“Been there, done that”, and they're just so in love that god knows why they find this so funny, but they do, and so they both let out obnoxious laughter (even their laughs are timed out, jesus).

“I've missed your alien face as well”, Dan says, having calmed down from the previous acts.

“You cannot resist the alien face”

“Wow, much alien, very face, wow, cannot resistento” and they're laughing again, until Dan's parents call for him from the room next to his and they have to hang up.

“I have to go now”, Dan says, “I'll call you later, or tomorrow”, and he doesn't want to call him then, because he never wants to hang up in the first place, but he has to.

“Okay”, Phil replies, frowning (but Dan doesn't have to know that), “I'll see you”

“Yeah”, at this point, Dan just tries to stall hanging up. “Bye then”

“Bye, Danny”

“....”

“....”

“I don't wanna hang up, though” Dan whines.

“Daniel James Howell!!”, is what's heard next, and Phil knows that Dan, whether he likes it or not, will actually hang up now.

“Okay--fuck--fine, see you”, and that's it.

The rest of his day doesn't matter, at least to Dan it doesn't, as he now finds himself back home, in bed, and skyping Phil.

“I'm not even joking! The squirrel wanted a serious showdown!”, Dan managed to understand, through his sleepy state.

“Mm'yeah, sure”, he says, and yawns, “Look, Philly, I'm pretty interested in your story but I'm practically, like, dying”

Phil smiled at his adorableness, “Gonna hang up?”

“Do we have to?”, Dan asks, voice small, tender, shy, even.

“We could sleep together, if you want”, Phil suggests, and Dan had never nodded so fast in his entire life.

“Yes”, he replies, “Please”

“Goodnight, then, James”, Phil says with a smile.

“Night, Michael”, he replies, and they fall asleep to each other's soft breathing, together.

They had made it through one more day, and tomorrow was finally June 1st, and they only had precisely eleven days left until Dan's birthday.

So close, yet so, so far away.


End file.
